It's gonna take money, a whole lot of spending money

I spent $58.23 this morning to prove that readable electronic editions of Seamus Heaney's Beowulf and the Modern Library Classic's Paradise Lost do not exist. Heaney's translation has been butchered in the transfer; both the iBook and Kindle edition bear a striking resemblance to the work of E. E. Cummings. You know, the poet famous for works like this:

r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r

  by E. E. Cummings

                             r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r
                      who
  a)s w(e loo)k
  upnowgath
                  PPEGORHRASS
                                        eringint(o-
  aThe):l
             eA
                 !p:
S                                                         a
                          (r
  rIvInG                         .gRrEaPsPhOs)
                                                         to
  rea(be)rran(com)gi(e)ngly
  ,grasshopper;

The caesura is a notable feature of Anglo-saxon poetry, but this is ridiculous. Can people possibly be reading this? 

Much of the day's expense is due to the fact that samples only preview introductory material and not the verse, which is the only part that really matters. I started to think that this omission must be premeditated. Perhaps Barnes & Noble hopes to bolster its Nook division by tricking unsuspecting teachers, desperate to locate a readable electronic edition of a much beloved text, into turbo purchasing. Well, they got me.

As my quest continued, an additional $15 went to Nook and iBook editions of the Folger Macbeth and Shakespeare. These are both readable (by humans), but leave much to be desired. As I clicked, swiped, dragged, and pointed robotically at my screens (this endeavor required both a laptop and iPad), inexpensive copies of each of these books sat on my desk. This tableau felt like one of the cartoons in the New Yorker's weekly caption contest. I need some time to think of what my entry would be.